I've got some shit on my mind lately... that will not be made public... and it's been bothering me a bit. And the more I think about it, the angrier I get about it. There's parts that I'm angry about that I don't feel justified being angry about, but there's parts, too, that I think I kinda have every reason to be a little pissed off about. A lot of it is my irrational "girl" thoughts that I keep trying to repress. But, you know, some of it is just regular old "person" thoughts, and right now, I can't really decide which part angers me and hurts me the most.
I guess in the end, it doesn't really matter much.
I guess in the end, it never really did.
People shouldn't toy with the emotions of people who are only just stable enough to function in society.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Late-Night Lucidity
Last night was about as fabulous as can be, really. Mostly. Sure.
Started off by going swimming with Isaiah in the Bloomfield apartments pool. Swam fr hours, even. Got in a pretty good workout. When I swim, I'm constantly doing shit, not just lounging and clinging to the side. I want my body to be perfectly aware of exactly how much its in water, all over. It was effing awesome.
Following that, I was absolutely famished (after swimming for more than an hour or so, I get out and I'm RAVENOUS.), so we went and ate at Dennys. It was not the best. I've pampered myself with the Ruby's tilapia. I got the tilapia at Denny;s and it kind of pretty much sucked. You know, I ate it anyway, because that's how I roll.... But it wasn't awesome.
After that, I was driving him home, when I just up and decided that I wasn't done with the night just yet. SO. I started taking random roads off 11s. EVENTUALLY, we ended up in Seymour. I stopped at the grade school right there on 11, and we played on all 4 playgrounds. That's right. Their shit has FOUR fucking playgrounds. And their playgrounds are AWESOME. They have all sorts of cool shit there. Lots of bouncy things. And retard swings.
After playing on the playgrounds for a while, we went to wal-mart because I needed dog shampoo. But they didn't have it. It was stupid. So, I bought sidewalk chalk and colored Twizzlers, because they're awesome.
Initially, the plan was to go back to the school and make their driveway very very pretty. But, I turned the wrong way, and we ended up heading up 31n. No big deal, we'll just stop by Southside. Except, very shortly after I turned onto 400s, the GO in my car stopped. It made a weird death rattle, and then refused to do anything over 20mph. Also, no reverse.
I puttered it into a well-lit church drive, and we proceeded to graffiti the hell out of the driveway with the chalk. Nothing profane, just in case you wondered. But, it gave me a little time to think out what I wanted to do. What ended up happening was that I limped my poor broken beast to my mom's house. Waking her up at 2am was not cool. But she let my borrow the Durango to take Isaiah home, then he followed me back in the Prius, and I dropped off Mom's SUV, and spent the night up talking.
All in all, it wasn't a bad time, save the car breaking down. And even that could have been worse. Much worse.
Started off by going swimming with Isaiah in the Bloomfield apartments pool. Swam fr hours, even. Got in a pretty good workout. When I swim, I'm constantly doing shit, not just lounging and clinging to the side. I want my body to be perfectly aware of exactly how much its in water, all over. It was effing awesome.
Following that, I was absolutely famished (after swimming for more than an hour or so, I get out and I'm RAVENOUS.), so we went and ate at Dennys. It was not the best. I've pampered myself with the Ruby's tilapia. I got the tilapia at Denny;s and it kind of pretty much sucked. You know, I ate it anyway, because that's how I roll.... But it wasn't awesome.
After that, I was driving him home, when I just up and decided that I wasn't done with the night just yet. SO. I started taking random roads off 11s. EVENTUALLY, we ended up in Seymour. I stopped at the grade school right there on 11, and we played on all 4 playgrounds. That's right. Their shit has FOUR fucking playgrounds. And their playgrounds are AWESOME. They have all sorts of cool shit there. Lots of bouncy things. And retard swings.
After playing on the playgrounds for a while, we went to wal-mart because I needed dog shampoo. But they didn't have it. It was stupid. So, I bought sidewalk chalk and colored Twizzlers, because they're awesome.
Initially, the plan was to go back to the school and make their driveway very very pretty. But, I turned the wrong way, and we ended up heading up 31n. No big deal, we'll just stop by Southside. Except, very shortly after I turned onto 400s, the GO in my car stopped. It made a weird death rattle, and then refused to do anything over 20mph. Also, no reverse.
I puttered it into a well-lit church drive, and we proceeded to graffiti the hell out of the driveway with the chalk. Nothing profane, just in case you wondered. But, it gave me a little time to think out what I wanted to do. What ended up happening was that I limped my poor broken beast to my mom's house. Waking her up at 2am was not cool. But she let my borrow the Durango to take Isaiah home, then he followed me back in the Prius, and I dropped off Mom's SUV, and spent the night up talking.
All in all, it wasn't a bad time, save the car breaking down. And even that could have been worse. Much worse.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Its high time I started this shit.
Allright, Goddamnit. Just because you're reading this, don't think for a second that I think you give a damn. I'm pretty familiar with people who only give HALF a damn. This is not the point here. I'm not entirely sure what the point is, but, well, this is my fucking blog, so I better find one. Soon.
Ok, I'll stick with what I know. Bitching.
Well, not even so much that. I just have a lot of crap in my brain right now that has no other real outlet. I used to write in a journal... of sorts... when I was locked up. Every entry was a letter to my friend Laura. It ended up being 3 or 4 HUGE notebooks of "therapy letters" all tied together with red yarn. I kinda wonder what happened to those. I think I gave them to her eventually. So.... They're probably rotting at the bottom of a dump somewhere. That's a happy thought. Le Sigh.
But maybe that's what this will turn into. I really ought to go see if I can import all my old LJ shit. There was a lot of it. Oh, how I loved Live Journal. My late night friend. LJ wanted nothing from me. We had a pretty good thing going. I poured my heart out and LJ was there for all of it, not so much judging me, just listening intently. (This is how I can actually mourn the loss of a website. Because these are sometimes the thoughts I think.)
Well, brass tacks.
Tonight was a waste of my time and effort. I feel like most things in my life are a waste of effort right now. My brain is going SO fast, that even my mad crazy typing skills are having trouble keeping up, so if I get so far off topic that you don't remember what the fuck I was talking about, its because I don't either. So, yeah. Wasted effort. All of it.
A lot of my current social life is ... ... ... too young for me. Haha! Um... No, its that most of the people I hang out with right now are like, 6 and 7 years my junior. OBVIOUSLY, I have no problem with this.... Its just that... I never remember that. The ones that count... they're fucking phenomenal. They're brilliant. I forget on a pretty regular basis that they're still sorta kids. (I don't remember where I was going with this.)
Hm. I watch these kids... and I think to myself, "Wow, he has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in his life right now". Well, maybe a clue. Maybe one. I DID say they were a clever bunch. But these kids are working on figuring shit out. You can see them doing it, and its awesome. And I look at my own shit, and I'm like, what the fuck kind of mess is THIS?? Its like if life were a classroom full of little kids playing with play-doh, making cool little kid sculptures and shit, MINE would be the retarded kid with hair and boogers in his, and it looks like nothing other than a gross mess that resembles.... nothing. You got Miss Perfect over there with her pink and purple unicorn. You got Little Timmy over there making his yellow doggy. There's that little asshat Herbert with his stupid green something or other. Who even knows, hes the weird arty one that isn't a retard. Meh. It just feels like I have no actual anything.
Now, before I continue this, if I even do, I would like to point out that I love my friends and family and my friends who ARE family more than anything ever. I would not trade a single one of them for anything less than total world domination. I am not trying to discredit what they mean to me when I bitch about my personal shit. They are pretty much always there for me, and I am eternally grateful for it. I fucking love them assholes.
I'm.... I'm very conflicted right now. There's a lot going on in my head that I'm not telling people. I might post a different blog set to private, later, just so that i have a chance to get some of it out. We'll see how I feel about it. But now, I've got all this crap in my brain, and I kinda want to walk up to the people it concerns, and tell them all about it. Not in a shitty ME kind of way, but in a rational "Look, this is why I'm acting the way I am. This is whats up in my think nugget, and why this and this and this." Rational isn't my strong suit, however, and I honestly believe that, for the most part, all doing that would accomplish is making things wrong. There's a lot of people I don't want to be. And among them is the one that goes about ruining shit that would have been better left alone.
There's just so many people I feel I should have a sit-down with, though.
And then there's the part of me that listens to loud angry girl rock and thinks, "You know what, fuck that shit. Feeling are for sissies, anyway." Ok, fair enough. This brings me to... I feel like I would do better if I could just turn emotions off. Since that's sort of an all-or-nothing type deal, that means the good ones AND the bad ones. And sometimes, it hurts enough that I think the trade off might be worth it.
I don't really mean to sound so fucking emo here. I'm not upset right now, and I ended up having a pretty good night, despite the bullshit. Its just something I was thinking about on my way home. I think of all the various emotions I put into people. Into every relationship, whether it be a sexual one or a nonsexual one, I put ME. Kind of all of me. Its why when it comes down to it, I'm crazy loyal to my people. I invest SO much into people. And its always the ones that you love the most that hurt you the worst.
I'm actually too tired to write right now. Maybe I'll get back to this. Fuck.
Ok, I'll stick with what I know. Bitching.
Well, not even so much that. I just have a lot of crap in my brain right now that has no other real outlet. I used to write in a journal... of sorts... when I was locked up. Every entry was a letter to my friend Laura. It ended up being 3 or 4 HUGE notebooks of "therapy letters" all tied together with red yarn. I kinda wonder what happened to those. I think I gave them to her eventually. So.... They're probably rotting at the bottom of a dump somewhere. That's a happy thought. Le Sigh.
But maybe that's what this will turn into. I really ought to go see if I can import all my old LJ shit. There was a lot of it. Oh, how I loved Live Journal. My late night friend. LJ wanted nothing from me. We had a pretty good thing going. I poured my heart out and LJ was there for all of it, not so much judging me, just listening intently. (This is how I can actually mourn the loss of a website. Because these are sometimes the thoughts I think.)
Well, brass tacks.
Tonight was a waste of my time and effort. I feel like most things in my life are a waste of effort right now. My brain is going SO fast, that even my mad crazy typing skills are having trouble keeping up, so if I get so far off topic that you don't remember what the fuck I was talking about, its because I don't either. So, yeah. Wasted effort. All of it.
A lot of my current social life is ... ... ... too young for me. Haha! Um... No, its that most of the people I hang out with right now are like, 6 and 7 years my junior. OBVIOUSLY, I have no problem with this.... Its just that... I never remember that. The ones that count... they're fucking phenomenal. They're brilliant. I forget on a pretty regular basis that they're still sorta kids. (I don't remember where I was going with this.)
Hm. I watch these kids... and I think to myself, "Wow, he has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in his life right now". Well, maybe a clue. Maybe one. I DID say they were a clever bunch. But these kids are working on figuring shit out. You can see them doing it, and its awesome. And I look at my own shit, and I'm like, what the fuck kind of mess is THIS?? Its like if life were a classroom full of little kids playing with play-doh, making cool little kid sculptures and shit, MINE would be the retarded kid with hair and boogers in his, and it looks like nothing other than a gross mess that resembles.... nothing. You got Miss Perfect over there with her pink and purple unicorn. You got Little Timmy over there making his yellow doggy. There's that little asshat Herbert with his stupid green something or other. Who even knows, hes the weird arty one that isn't a retard. Meh. It just feels like I have no actual anything.
Now, before I continue this, if I even do, I would like to point out that I love my friends and family and my friends who ARE family more than anything ever. I would not trade a single one of them for anything less than total world domination. I am not trying to discredit what they mean to me when I bitch about my personal shit. They are pretty much always there for me, and I am eternally grateful for it. I fucking love them assholes.
I'm.... I'm very conflicted right now. There's a lot going on in my head that I'm not telling people. I might post a different blog set to private, later, just so that i have a chance to get some of it out. We'll see how I feel about it. But now, I've got all this crap in my brain, and I kinda want to walk up to the people it concerns, and tell them all about it. Not in a shitty ME kind of way, but in a rational "Look, this is why I'm acting the way I am. This is whats up in my think nugget, and why this and this and this." Rational isn't my strong suit, however, and I honestly believe that, for the most part, all doing that would accomplish is making things wrong. There's a lot of people I don't want to be. And among them is the one that goes about ruining shit that would have been better left alone.
There's just so many people I feel I should have a sit-down with, though.
And then there's the part of me that listens to loud angry girl rock and thinks, "You know what, fuck that shit. Feeling are for sissies, anyway." Ok, fair enough. This brings me to... I feel like I would do better if I could just turn emotions off. Since that's sort of an all-or-nothing type deal, that means the good ones AND the bad ones. And sometimes, it hurts enough that I think the trade off might be worth it.
I don't really mean to sound so fucking emo here. I'm not upset right now, and I ended up having a pretty good night, despite the bullshit. Its just something I was thinking about on my way home. I think of all the various emotions I put into people. Into every relationship, whether it be a sexual one or a nonsexual one, I put ME. Kind of all of me. Its why when it comes down to it, I'm crazy loyal to my people. I invest SO much into people. And its always the ones that you love the most that hurt you the worst.
I'm actually too tired to write right now. Maybe I'll get back to this. Fuck.
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