Allright, Goddamnit. Just because you're reading this, don't think for a second that I think you give a damn. I'm pretty familiar with people who only give HALF a damn. This is not the point here. I'm not entirely sure what the point is, but, well, this is my fucking blog, so I better find one. Soon.
Ok, I'll stick with what I know. Bitching.
Well, not even so much that. I just have a lot of crap in my brain right now that has no other real outlet. I used to write in a journal... of sorts... when I was locked up. Every entry was a letter to my friend Laura. It ended up being 3 or 4 HUGE notebooks of "therapy letters" all tied together with red yarn. I kinda wonder what happened to those. I think I gave them to her eventually. So.... They're probably rotting at the bottom of a dump somewhere. That's a happy thought. Le Sigh.
But maybe that's what this will turn into. I really ought to go see if I can import all my old LJ shit. There was a lot of it. Oh, how I loved Live Journal. My late night friend. LJ wanted nothing from me. We had a pretty good thing going. I poured my heart out and LJ was there for all of it, not so much judging me, just listening intently. (This is how I can actually mourn the loss of a website. Because these are sometimes the thoughts I think.)
Well, brass tacks.
Tonight was a waste of my time and effort. I feel like most things in my life are a waste of effort right now. My brain is going SO fast, that even my mad crazy typing skills are having trouble keeping up, so if I get so far off topic that you don't remember what the fuck I was talking about, its because I don't either. So, yeah. Wasted effort. All of it.
A lot of my current social life is ... ... ... too young for me. Haha! Um... No, its that most of the people I hang out with right now are like, 6 and 7 years my junior. OBVIOUSLY, I have no problem with this.... Its just that... I never remember that. The ones that count... they're fucking phenomenal. They're brilliant. I forget on a pretty regular basis that they're still sorta kids. (I don't remember where I was going with this.)
Hm. I watch these kids... and I think to myself, "Wow, he has no fucking clue what the hell is going on in his life right now". Well, maybe a clue. Maybe one. I DID say they were a clever bunch. But these kids are working on figuring shit out. You can see them doing it, and its awesome. And I look at my own shit, and I'm like, what the fuck kind of mess is THIS?? Its like if life were a classroom full of little kids playing with play-doh, making cool little kid sculptures and shit, MINE would be the retarded kid with hair and boogers in his, and it looks like nothing other than a gross mess that resembles.... nothing. You got Miss Perfect over there with her pink and purple unicorn. You got Little Timmy over there making his yellow doggy. There's that little asshat Herbert with his stupid green something or other. Who even knows, hes the weird arty one that isn't a retard. Meh. It just feels like I have no actual anything.
Now, before I continue this, if I even do, I would like to point out that I love my friends and family and my friends who ARE family more than anything ever. I would not trade a single one of them for anything less than total world domination. I am not trying to discredit what they mean to me when I bitch about my personal shit. They are pretty much always there for me, and I am eternally grateful for it. I fucking love them assholes.
I'm.... I'm very conflicted right now. There's a lot going on in my head that I'm not telling people. I might post a different blog set to private, later, just so that i have a chance to get some of it out. We'll see how I feel about it. But now, I've got all this crap in my brain, and I kinda want to walk up to the people it concerns, and tell them all about it. Not in a shitty ME kind of way, but in a rational "Look, this is why I'm acting the way I am. This is whats up in my think nugget, and why this and this and this." Rational isn't my strong suit, however, and I honestly believe that, for the most part, all doing that would accomplish is making things wrong. There's a lot of people I don't want to be. And among them is the one that goes about ruining shit that would have been better left alone.
There's just so many people I feel I should have a sit-down with, though.
And then there's the part of me that listens to loud angry girl rock and thinks, "You know what, fuck that shit. Feeling are for sissies, anyway." Ok, fair enough. This brings me to... I feel like I would do better if I could just turn emotions off. Since that's sort of an all-or-nothing type deal, that means the good ones AND the bad ones. And sometimes, it hurts enough that I think the trade off might be worth it.
I don't really mean to sound so fucking emo here. I'm not upset right now, and I ended up having a pretty good night, despite the bullshit. Its just something I was thinking about on my way home. I think of all the various emotions I put into people. Into every relationship, whether it be a sexual one or a nonsexual one, I put ME. Kind of all of me. Its why when it comes down to it, I'm crazy loyal to my people. I invest SO much into people. And its always the ones that you love the most that hurt you the worst.
I'm actually too tired to write right now. Maybe I'll get back to this. Fuck.
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