Isn't that just the best question I could possibly ask myself?!
Yes. Yes, it is.
It boggles my mind, sometimes, when I look at other people, even those who OBVIOUSLY don't have their shit together, and I think to myself, "Man, I bet they don't sit around wondering about their own thoughts and why they think them and if they're thinking them for a real reason or just a reason that their brain has cooked up to replace the truth...."
Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm not. I do things, sometimes, with little to no foresight at all. I don't look much at my future. Hell, as far as anyone could tell when I was growing up, I wasn't going to make it much past 22 anyway. Honestly, that's about where I stopped planning. Now I'm just wandering more or less aimlessly, trying to figure out what will make me happy, and trying to avoid (read: crash headlong into) the things that won't. I'm doing pretty well with at least one of these.
My issue is, I can lie to myself. And I'm good at it. I don't know that everyone CAN lie to themselves. Its hard to distinguish, I think, between fully lying to one's self and just remembering things wrong. Extra fun for me, since my memory is all sorts of out of whack. I can remember the tiniest sordid detail about something that happened 15 years ago, but you ask me about a conversation we had last week and you'll be lucky if I can remember that we even talked, let alone what about.
I don't know what makes me happy. Sometimes I think I have found it... but usually, that happiness is fleeting and I look back on it and think about how I wasn't really all that happy, really, I was just all up in some "This thing is new and I must love it unconditionally" thing. Then the new toy smell wears off and I'm left with .... nothing that I really wanted, I think.
This seems especially true with my relationships. Once the new toy smell goes away, I get bored and frustrated.
And 15 minutes and some duster later..... I think I need 2 boyfriends. That may or may not be aware of the other. I don't care. I want 2. Differing personalities. Both long term relationships. Both knowing that this will likely not result in white picket fences and 2.5 offsprings. OOohhh!! One younger and one either the same age or older than me. You know, just to keep things interesting. Cripes.
Its pron time. Nite.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I Want A Rusty Ax. I Wanna Know Voodoo.
Thanks, Luke, for getting THAT stuck in my head. LOL!!
I should be asleep right now, as usual, but alas, I am not, and I may as well spend this time wisely, jotting down the dribblings of my mind.
My brain has been working on some shit lately. Some shit that I'm not entirely comfortable with and have been trying to work out in my mind. I want to act, and I want to speak, but no matter which way I turn the situation, I cannot seem to find a way to do either without making things suck for someone else, and only marginally making myself feel better. That price is not worth it to me. So I ponder and I ponder... what to do about this. What, indeed.
Well, fucking nothing, that's what. Getting right down to the heart of it, it's MY damn issue, no one else's, and I need to deal with that accordingly without bringing someone else down, whether it be unintentional or otherwise. I would never do it intentionally, not in a case even remotely similar to this, but you get my point. So, I guess really what it comes down to is my brain finally landed on the right thing. My grand realization. My crystallization seed, if you will.
I don't have to LIKE it. I just have to ACCEPT it. Despite all evidence to the contrary (and I assure you, there is plenty), I am an intelligent person. I knew what I was doing, I chose to accept the rules as they stood, and knew what the outcome of my actions and those of others would be. I knew where, eventually, all of this (that?) would lead. Am I happy about it? Absolutely NOT, sir! (That was a Four Rooms reference, for all of you who can't hear me speaking this aloud. Its all in the tone.) No, I'm not happy about it. But honestly, it is what it is, I knew it was going to be that (this?) way, and that's just that.
And really, I thought a lot about this on my fairly pleasant drive home today. And I thought a lot about just the statement, "I don't have to like it, I just have to accept it," and I think that that applies to a lot of things in my life that really kind of make me unhappy. Sometimes that really just IS the way things are. Which led me to.... So, do I strive to change everything about my life that makes me unhappy, or do I accept it and move on?
That's a little tricky. It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer from AA classes (Sorry. No Mal here). Specifically the part about changing what I can and accepting what I cannot. If I work myself to death trying to change every stupid little thing that makes me unhappy, I will drive myself mad. Not only will most of it be futile, but I'll spend so much time working to improve everything all the time, I fear that I will forget to take the time to really enjoy and savor the things that DO make me happy.
There is a lot of my life right now (and usually, when it comes right down to it) that I would like to change... for the better, I think. But man, life is supposed to have ups and downs. Sometimes everything gets a bit overwhelming, and I think all I'm left with is downs... I heard that. Shut up.... But really? Have I got it so bad?
I live with my best friend and his Pop, in the place I call home more than any other. I have a fairly large group of ok friends, and a very small group of really fantastic friends. I have most of my health. I have a job, even if it IS a shitty one. Yeah, ok, maybe things haven't exactly gone the way I would have chosen them to go in the interpersonal relationships department, but when do they ever? It isn't the end of the world.
There are probably going to be days when I don't feel even half this positive about things. Maybe not even a sixth this positive. But I'll get over it. I'll get over it and not say a damn word about it, because really? Is there a need? Is getting all this shit out of my system really worth hurting someone I care a great deal about and someone who I have nothing against? Very simply, no. It 100% is not. That is never a fair price to pay for something so trivial.
Keri and I talked a lot tonight about growing up and learning things and moving on and working through shit and dealing with issues and accepting things. Its really been a pretty good night, and I'm glad to have had the conversation. Now, being who we are, a lot of it was gossip, and not about me or my shit, but it did make me think. So, Keri, while I know that you aren't reading this, thank you. Perhaps now I can put this part of my thoughts away in their specified mental file cabinets, and walk away. Turn out the light. Close the door. Turn my attentions elsewhere.
My thoughts are slowing down, currently. I'm finally becoming tired, I think. Posts like this are generally very cathartic for me, but very draining. Its like that feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and you have to pee SOOOO bad... and you go to the bathroom and pee, and its like... well, its bliss. And you feel completely drained, but in a fantastic way, and its just so wonderful and you're totally ready to go right back to glorious comfortable sleep. Relaxed, relieved. This was my brain pee. MMMMmmmmmmm. Brain peeeeeeeee......
Stay classy, internet... Stay... oh. Wait. Hm. Yeah, I was too late on that one, I see.
Goodnight to ye.
I should be asleep right now, as usual, but alas, I am not, and I may as well spend this time wisely, jotting down the dribblings of my mind.
My brain has been working on some shit lately. Some shit that I'm not entirely comfortable with and have been trying to work out in my mind. I want to act, and I want to speak, but no matter which way I turn the situation, I cannot seem to find a way to do either without making things suck for someone else, and only marginally making myself feel better. That price is not worth it to me. So I ponder and I ponder... what to do about this. What, indeed.
Well, fucking nothing, that's what. Getting right down to the heart of it, it's MY damn issue, no one else's, and I need to deal with that accordingly without bringing someone else down, whether it be unintentional or otherwise. I would never do it intentionally, not in a case even remotely similar to this, but you get my point. So, I guess really what it comes down to is my brain finally landed on the right thing. My grand realization. My crystallization seed, if you will.
I don't have to LIKE it. I just have to ACCEPT it. Despite all evidence to the contrary (and I assure you, there is plenty), I am an intelligent person. I knew what I was doing, I chose to accept the rules as they stood, and knew what the outcome of my actions and those of others would be. I knew where, eventually, all of this (that?) would lead. Am I happy about it? Absolutely NOT, sir! (That was a Four Rooms reference, for all of you who can't hear me speaking this aloud. Its all in the tone.) No, I'm not happy about it. But honestly, it is what it is, I knew it was going to be that (this?) way, and that's just that.
And really, I thought a lot about this on my fairly pleasant drive home today. And I thought a lot about just the statement, "I don't have to like it, I just have to accept it," and I think that that applies to a lot of things in my life that really kind of make me unhappy. Sometimes that really just IS the way things are. Which led me to.... So, do I strive to change everything about my life that makes me unhappy, or do I accept it and move on?
That's a little tricky. It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer from AA classes (Sorry. No Mal here). Specifically the part about changing what I can and accepting what I cannot. If I work myself to death trying to change every stupid little thing that makes me unhappy, I will drive myself mad. Not only will most of it be futile, but I'll spend so much time working to improve everything all the time, I fear that I will forget to take the time to really enjoy and savor the things that DO make me happy.
There is a lot of my life right now (and usually, when it comes right down to it) that I would like to change... for the better, I think. But man, life is supposed to have ups and downs. Sometimes everything gets a bit overwhelming, and I think all I'm left with is downs... I heard that. Shut up.... But really? Have I got it so bad?
I live with my best friend and his Pop, in the place I call home more than any other. I have a fairly large group of ok friends, and a very small group of really fantastic friends. I have most of my health. I have a job, even if it IS a shitty one. Yeah, ok, maybe things haven't exactly gone the way I would have chosen them to go in the interpersonal relationships department, but when do they ever? It isn't the end of the world.
There are probably going to be days when I don't feel even half this positive about things. Maybe not even a sixth this positive. But I'll get over it. I'll get over it and not say a damn word about it, because really? Is there a need? Is getting all this shit out of my system really worth hurting someone I care a great deal about and someone who I have nothing against? Very simply, no. It 100% is not. That is never a fair price to pay for something so trivial.
Keri and I talked a lot tonight about growing up and learning things and moving on and working through shit and dealing with issues and accepting things. Its really been a pretty good night, and I'm glad to have had the conversation. Now, being who we are, a lot of it was gossip, and not about me or my shit, but it did make me think. So, Keri, while I know that you aren't reading this, thank you. Perhaps now I can put this part of my thoughts away in their specified mental file cabinets, and walk away. Turn out the light. Close the door. Turn my attentions elsewhere.
My thoughts are slowing down, currently. I'm finally becoming tired, I think. Posts like this are generally very cathartic for me, but very draining. Its like that feeling you get when you wake up in the middle of the night and you have to pee SOOOO bad... and you go to the bathroom and pee, and its like... well, its bliss. And you feel completely drained, but in a fantastic way, and its just so wonderful and you're totally ready to go right back to glorious comfortable sleep. Relaxed, relieved. This was my brain pee. MMMMmmmmmmm. Brain peeeeeeeee......
Stay classy, internet... Stay... oh. Wait. Hm. Yeah, I was too late on that one, I see.
Goodnight to ye.
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