Life is awesome, and it sucks.

Well, I moved to Texas to be with the man I have loved unconditionally since I was 17 years old. If that's not following my dreams, nothing is. He is still everything I have ever wanted in a man, and still as sexy as ever. Sometimes its a different kind of sexy. He's not the mind-blowingly hot young stud from round one.... he's older now. A little less fit (not much less, though...). His beautiful face has aged. But somehow, this has made him all that much more attractive to me. I look at the laugh lines at his eyes and I can't help but grin. There's no part of being near him that doesn't just fill me with joy.

Today, we made the first rent payment on our house. Its a cute house, and I love it. It's set up sort of strangely, so that adds to my affection for it. It has 3 bedrooms, so Jacie will have her own place to be when she stays over. I'm excited about that, too. I'm going to be a step mom. How fucking weird! But she's a really good kid, and I really like her. The kitchen is really big, though has no appliances at the moment. There's a really big living room, too, right in front of the kitchen window. That's weird and awesome. And right outside the windows in THAT room, there's ANOTHER room! I think we are going to use that as a sun/ plant room. Here's hoping I'm better with plants than Mom. I should probably stick to really pretty weeds, just to play it safe. Weeds are easy to keep alive.... Hard as shit to kill. That seems like the right fit for me. The yard is huge and fenced in, so I can stick Chubbs out there sometimes without having to worry about her wandering aimlessly into traffic.

I've been a bloody, cranky mess pretty much all day. I didn't get up in time to take a shitty shower before we left to run errands today, so I basically just got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, threw on my comfy  green cargo pants, and went. They're the ones with the legs all ripped up. When John David and I first went to meet the new landlady, I was specifically instructed to not wear those. I hadn't planned on it, and dressed nicely. Today, I planned on staying in the car when we went to see her, and then dropping my baby off at work and heading out to pack and move things. So, yeah. Comfy pants. Well, I DID end up getting out and I DIDN'T end up packing and moving things, and while he and I were sitting in her house, she made some comment about my knees showing and I laughed and we made a few jokes about my pants and it was no big deal... Or so I thought. John David said later in the car that he was embarrassed by them, and when I was dropping him off at work, he told me to hurry around to the other side of the car so that no one would see my pants. I didn't make much of a fuss about it, but that pretty much sucked and hurt my feelings pretty good....

To keep things in SOME perspective, I'm bleeding violently from my crotch and probably a little over sensitive about basically everything ever right now. So, realistically, it's probably nothing... But I'm a little butt-hurt over it. So I went home and in typical Brandy fashion, drowned myself in food. Most of it was actual food and not candy, so there's that. After a good fooding, I fed the dog and went out to check on my weasel. Not good. He couldn't even walk. I tried to get him to eat and he wasn't having it at all. Wouldn't even touch his ferravite. I knew at that point it was only a matter of time. I took a short nap... maybe 45 minutes to an hour. He was gone when I got up. So I have a dead ferret to add to today's list of things that weren't awesome.

And now, I'm pretty much done bitching about my day. I just needed to vent a little and document my Badger's passing.

I look fab in Glasses.

I can't wait. I can't, I can't, I caaaaan't wait!! Christmas has always been a happy time for me. I love the whole season and the feeling about everything around that time of year. I even don't despise the cold sometimes. And this Christmas will be SO awesome. I'm going to get to spend it with the man I have loved  unabashedly since I was a teenager. The man I plan to spend the rest of my days happily decomposing with. Squeeeeee!!!!! <3

Now that that part of my blog is out of the way, today was pretty excellent, for a day that I woke up at 330am  on to go to work. Work, itself, wasn't terrible. And afterwards, I picked up Mizz Keri and went to Amanda and Gary's house to visit for a little while. God, I hadn't seen her in years!! Or Gary, really, for that matter. We sat around chatting and carrying on for a while and it was really pretty cool. It's sorta fucked up, but in a good way, that eventually, those will be my in-laws. Ha! I'm gonna have in-laws! And they're in-laws that I grew up partying with!!! Neat, right?!

After we left there, we went to harass Jason, and got wraps and smoothies at the smoothie shop. Jeeze, I miss that place. The food is SOOO good. I miss Jason, too. I hadn't seen him since he moved out of Isaiah and I's house. He's doing well. We all sat around and caught up on shit for a few hours. Then Keri and I went to Target and basically window shopped. I saw a ton of cute shit that I would get if I wasn't desperately broke. Haha! We then headed to the Starbucks out on 31 and got iced chai latte things. Oh, I love those. And peppermint brownie cake pops. That's some solid goodness, right there. Fucking YUM.

I'm starting to toss around the idea of not really getting anything for anyone for Christmas this year. Not that I'm shunning my wonderful friends, but I really need to save money, and I honestly have no ideas on what to get anyone. Hell, I have no idea what to get my sweet John David. The only 2 people I can come up with anything for are Pop and Puppy. And even then, those are just little trinkets. I guess I could get Keri a perfume... I have no idea for my Trent. I have no idea for my Corey. Got no idea for Mom or Bill, really. I don't know. I guess we will see if I magic something up.

I think I'm going to basically move back in with Mom while I'm working until I leave. I talked to Angela about working the schedule up so that  all my working days are in a row and my off days are clumped together.... That way I can live at Mom's while I work and then up here when I'm off. I think it will help me save on gas. Part of me wants to just stay at Mom's, but I love it here and I don't want to go. So, I will try to divide my time. I looked at some estimated costs for moving and its going to be about $1500... roughly. $800+ taxes for the truck, and the rest in gas. That's going to SUCK. My sweet man is going to come up here and help me move, but I don't want him to be footing much of that bill... I think a lot of that is just plain old being stubborn, though.

Still, I can't wait to be down there. I will miss this place like crazy, and i'm going to cry when it finally sinks in that I don't get to see my beautiful people anymore for a long time... But I would follow this guy to the very ends of the earth if he asked me to, and he and I both know that me living in Texas is not permanent. I'm not even having the slightest bit of hesitation about it. If I belong anywhere, it is by his side. Wow, that sounds gay. Its just... I had worked so hard for so long to cover up the hole in my heart that he left when... he... left. :P It took ages. I never filled it, I just threw a tarp over it and ignored it. And this has completely blown the lid off of all of it. Haha. It took me all of 2 seconds to completely fall for him all over again.

Damn. I'm doing that thing again, where I just sit here and ramble on about "Oh, he's SOOO awesome!!" Gah, I'm a wreck. LOL!!

I have to get off of here. I'm going to keep being retarded if I don't. I'm sorry. Maybe next time I'll have something to talk about besides John.   ...   ....   ....  Who I get to talk to tomorrow, btw. YAY!  <3


Cheers!

Posty posty post!!

I'm not going to say a lot right now because I should have been asleep HOURS ago, but I'm not and everyone JUST NOW left and I have to be at work in a very few short hours and yeah... so I'm just going to say that all my boys were here tonight.... Snack-Time and Puppy and Thief and Monkey-face. It was a good night.... even though Monkey-face is sick. Foley was here too, and so was Dustin King, but I don't have a name for Foley yet and Dustin King hasn't made it to the marker where I start to accept him. I love my boys.

OOOH!!! I got to talk to my adoring sweetie today!! Mom let me use the phone because she has free long distance...   It was SO good to hear his sweet voice. It really was. It made me miss him so much more, though. We chatted mostly about nothing. He pointed at my crazy and said what is that and I told him not to worry about it and that I can't do anything to stop the crazy, but I can usually tell when its around and will notify him so that he can properly ignore it.   And he made sure to tell me that he loved me and that he had no intention of forgetting me or changing his mind about marrying the shit out of me. and I couldn't even reply for a minute because I was smiling too big. I miss my handsome man. <3

Pop, those bananas were a LIQUID. I threw them out.

Trent is sick and I'm in a talky mood.


Let me say that again with more emphases on the important-er parts of the sentence...


TRENT IS SICK and I'M IN A TALKY MOOD.


Another note-worthy point of interest is that no one is really online to talk to, either. I have absolutely NO outlet for the shit-factory insanity that is happening in my brain when I get like this. I mean, to be fair, if you sit around and read Hyperbole and a Half all day (and I did because it is freaking AWESOME) you will feel strangely chatty, too. Go read some. I'll wait.


































It's awesome, isn't it?!?


I am filthy. I have not showered today... and in fact, I am still wearing yesterday's clothes, sans underwear, even with the gaping hole in the crotch of my pants. I feel like disgusting should be my new middle name. But I was also pretty productive today.


The fire pit area out in the woods/ yard has desperately needed cleaned up for a long-ish time now, and since my perfectly wonderful but terribly slovenly boys silently refuse to do an ounce of work to clean up their own messes, I took it upon myself to go out there and slave away like a dirty little hobo for HOURS and clean it all up. I brought in all the chairs and threw away all the trash and half the tents. I disassembled the other half of the tents and strung them (it, really) up in a tree to dry. This is in addition to the 2 sleeping mats that were sitting in no less than 4 gallons of water in the busted tent. This tent had collected so much water and dead bug carcasses and leaves and general filth that it actually was sprouting mushrooms. Likely deadly ones, considering what they were growing on, but then again, the GOOD ones grow in poop, so maybe I'm wrong. Either way, it was a damn good sized mushroom, which I set aside, gingerly, on the bar so as to take a picture of it for proof of the filth-mongering that that particular tent was up to, and then I promptly forgot about it. Oops.


I was creeped and crawled on by a pretty large spectrum of insects and arachnids out there, each one eliciting a squeak or squeal from my diligently toiling self. Even an hour after coming back inside, I still felt like I had things crawling all over me. And I'm pretty sure that at some point, a spider (it may have been a regular bug, but my brain instantly thinks spider) bit me right on the butthole. Probably not a lot of people out there know what that feels like. But I assure you, it feels exactly like it sounds. It feels like a bug of some sort BITING you... ON. THE. BUTTHOLE.


That'll teach me to play out in the yard without my protective layer of underwear on, won't it?


I'm still anxiously awaiting my trip back to Texas to live happily ever after with my John. I still have a long wait ahead of me, too, and it is going to SUUUUCK. It's been like, 3 weeks since I left, and every damn day is a struggle in my head to not be a psycho. I miss my boyfriend, and that makes me a little unstable.....er. Add to that my stressful job, my meager finances, and the fact that he and I don't really even get to talk much due to conflicting schedules and the lack of a fully functional phone on both ends, and you have the perfect recipe for a not-too-happy-about-life me. I know that it'll get better. And I know that I'm still going to have some good times with my wonderful (and messy) friends while I'm here. But there's something about missing the person you are absolutely head over heels for that will just drive a person NUTS!


All that being said (really fast, all told), I've been having to put forth effort to not be insane AT him when we DO talk. Now, you might not know this about your friend and humble narrator, but I can be an insecure clingy needy crazy lunatic person when my brain kicks up shit like it does sometimes. So, yeah, we talk a little less right now, and he seems a little distant and my logic says to me, hey! He's at work! Cut the guy some slack, ok?! And my uterus (that's where I keep all my crazy) pipes up and says, well, he can't be THAT busy... and he always had time to talk to you before... and on and on and on.... and eventually DOUBT starts to peek around the corner to see what I'm up to. Its one of the worst things about me. I KNOW better, but try telling ME that!


Anyway, everything is fine, and I told him that I'm insane and he reassured me, lovingly, that he's not forgotten me and that he's not changed his mind about whisking me off to the middle of the desert and making me the happiest misplaced Yankee ever to breathe air. He didn't say it EXACTLY like that, but I'm a notorious paraphraser. As I said, I do try very very hard at not being that particular type of bat-shit off-my-rocker crazy..... And a lot of the time, I succeed. But my crazy is a strong crazy and cannot be ignored indefinitely.


Additionally, part of the reason I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes is that my new tank top makes me boobs look fucking AWESOME.

I kill more than time, you know...

Few fast Updates, before I have to head out and get ready for work...

I just spent the last 12 hours, sleep included, putting my Myspace blogs on here so that I would have them all in one place, and I trust Myspace... not at all, actually. These aren't here for you, they're here for me. If you don't want to hear about how terrible my life can sometimes be, and how FUCK-ALL WHINY I am sometimes, then I recommend you not read them. I say all the damn time how I haven't really changed in forever... but reading through those blogs... Yeah, I have. I'm not nearly that  whiny. At least, I don't think I am.

Recent;y, I went to Texas to visit John and stayed for a month. I loved it, and it took me all of about 3 seconds to fall for him all over again. I'm moving down there in Feb, 2012. He's going to marry me and we are going to live happily ever after. I'll not be hearing otherwise. I have not been this happy since, apparently early in 2006. Christ. Now, yeah, I  have had happy moments here and there... But overall happiness? Nein. So, I'm really looking forward to that.

There's been a lot of crazy shit in the 2 years that I didn't blog on Myspace. I dated a guy named Zac, who was WAY too young for me, and proved it. I moved a few times. I dated Isaiah, which was pretty ok, mostly, but it went downhill pretty fast. When he and I split, things got really bad because I had fallen for another Zak. (I have a thing for Z names. I really do.) That went poorly. We are good friends, and I'm really happy about that. Someday, I'l document details on all of this, but today is not that day. I live with Trent, now, and have since Feb of 2011. That's when I left Isaiah. I currently work at the Murphy Gas station again, for Angela, who is nothing short of crazy and wonderful.

And for once I really feel like maybe my life is changing for the better instead of the acceptable.

To all of those that read this, of which, there shouldn't be many, I love you. Here's to a good upcoming adventure. :D

Because It Seems Fitting (Jan 1, 2010)

Current mood:optimistic

Its the first day of the new year. I don't know that I'm particularly excited about it, but I'm certainly glad to shrug off the clammy skin of the old year and leave that mess behind. As years will have it, the entire thing wasn't complete shit, but there was more suck in that year than there really needed to be. 

Last year saw the end of two relationships, and the beginning of one. Already the odds are low for that summing up any time of happiness. But the year held some little shiny nuggets of joy, as well. Most of 2009 was spent in a shit-hole town in Pennsylvania. While that in itself falls under the CONS section here, the people I met and knew there certainly don't. 

Most of the time (though, not all) that I spent in PA, all I did was wish that I was back here, amongst my people, where things are familiar... Where everybody knows my name. So I guess, really, I even had one of my strongest wishes come true this past year. Trent and Lauren flew to PA and recaptured their wayward friend. There is no amount of grateful that would ever be enough. The drive back to Indiana was long and torturous on my drivers, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't think that it is half of what they would have gone through to get me back home, where they could see me and where I have a chance of survival.

I do miss my PA people, though. hanGover Crew, You're welcome to road trip out here any time! And while the sleeping accommodations may not be the Hilton, it'll be better than not. Plus, I make great eats.

I made some resolutions this year, which is something I don't DO for new years. I didn't do it for new years this time, either. I made these resolutions months ago. "I'm the fighter. I'm the winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it." Good song. And the most accurate quote I can put here. My resolutions are not for the coming year, they are for the coming life. 

Some of my loved ones warp and change who they are to fit what any given part of life throws at them. They have either mutated or evolved, and it really doesn't matter much which. I can't really remake myself like that. I don't think I've ever been able to. No real part of me dies for the next to come to fruition. I think I'm more Katamari, than Pokemon. I add. I'm always adding.

For you, my lone reader, I will go ahead and throw in some trivialities so that you are more or less up to date on the little things that are going on, too, instead of just the big picture.

I started a new job not long ago. Its one I've had before, and not a whole lot has changed about it, really. Things are run a little differently, but then its been several years since I've worked there, so that's to be expected. In general, I like it well enough, you know, for work.

I have a new place to live, now, as well. I'm no longer taking up space at my mother's house, which is surely better for the both of us. I do love my mom, and she do love me, but any more than a few straight months together is enough to drive us both up the wall. 

I have hope for this new year. I have a lot to work on and I have a lot to work with, so with luck, determination, perseverance, and maybe a little help from those I hold dear, this year will turn out ok.

Best bloggy wishes to you and yours. 

A Taste Of Paradise (Dec 27, 2009)

So, once, a long time ago, i was walking. i have no idea where to or where from, but i was a run away at the time. i liked being a run away. it gave me a sense of freedom that my parents tried hard to quash. My home life was a wreck; mom and dad were going through a divorce, they just didnt know it yet, so being there was like oh... living with two people who hated each other with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
i knew that the cops were out looking for me. mom always called. not so much that she was worried about where i was, more because she wanted me punished for breaking her rules. i was walking this night, probably close to 1 or 2am, and i noticed a few cops circling the block in front of me. as it was dark and i was in the ghetto part of town, i wasnt walking in enough light for them to notice me from that distance, so i did what any good fugitive would do: i came up with a fast plan to hide somewhere.
on my left was the largest engine plant in town. lots of light, lots of people. on my right, however, two long-abandoned houses, dark, forgotten... inviting. the one right on the corner provided me with an excellent view of the surrounding streets, so i walked through the yard and between the houses to the back, where, as sure as id expected it, there was an old tattered door, barely hanging on by the soul of a hinge. i stepped through into the murk and gloom and waited for my eyes to adjust.
what i wasn't expecting was that the house was full to near overflowing with old antique furniture.
i peered around wide-eyed, in awe, at all the treasures laid out before me. there were old wardrobes and carpets, dressers and vanities, dining tables, chairs, the whole bit! I wandered from room to room, running my hands along dusty smooth wood and rolls of plush oriental-esque rugs. There in the furthest room, there was a set of stairs. there was no railing, and no door or hall at the top. there was nothing but a hole, opening straight up into the night sky.
i took a few tentative steps, and promptly fell through a stair. completely unphased, i pulled my leg free and continued on, careful to stay close to the side of the stair, where the wood seemed more sturdy. The stairs opened up onto a large deck on top of the first story of the house. it would have been an amazing porch, but the longer i think about it, i think it was just a large room that had had its walls and roof removed. there was nothing up there but a door into the side of the upper floor of the old house, which i carefully picked my way over to, making damn sure to avoid boards that looked like they had about had it.
there were three rooms in the top of the house, mostly empty, all covered in graffiti, with broken windows. one room had a small closet with its door slightly ajar. with all the common sense god gave a ferret, i walked right in and peeked inside to see what was in there. it never occurred to me that there could be some drugged out nut-job in there, more than ok with hacking up some dumb kid who disturbed whatever demented thoughts he was dwelling on at the time. The closet was empty. There was a large green couch in that room, too. and 2 windows, looking out over the 2 streets and the intersection.
the windows opened out onto the roof above the porch, providing me with an acceptable escape route should i need it. i settled onto the couch, more or less, for the night. the light from the engine plant was bright in my eyes and kept me awake and the couch stank of rain and mold and cat piss. my nerves were working overtime, listening for the tell-tale footstep of invasion, or a car engine that was a little too well-tuned. I got up to check the windows every 15 minutes or so. it was a long night, but i was completely smitten with abandoned houses from that day on.