If I don't know what I want, how will I know when I have it??

Isn't that just the best question I could possibly ask myself?!

Yes. Yes, it is.

It boggles my mind, sometimes, when I look at other people, even those who OBVIOUSLY don't have their shit together, and I think to myself, "Man, I bet they don't sit around wondering about their own thoughts and why they think them and if they're thinking them for a real reason or just a reason that their brain has cooked up to replace the truth...."

Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm not. I do things, sometimes, with little to no foresight at all. I don't look much at my future. Hell, as far as anyone could tell when I was growing up, I wasn't going to make it much past 22 anyway. Honestly, that's about where I stopped planning. Now I'm just wandering more or less aimlessly, trying to figure out what will make me happy, and trying to avoid (read: crash headlong into) the things that won't. I'm doing pretty well with at least one of these.

My issue is, I can lie to myself. And I'm good at it. I don't know that everyone CAN lie to themselves. Its hard to distinguish, I think, between fully lying to one's self and just remembering things wrong. Extra fun for me, since my memory is all sorts of out of whack. I can remember the tiniest sordid detail about something that happened 15 years ago, but you ask me about a conversation we had last week and you'll be lucky if I can remember that we even talked, let alone what about.

I don't know what makes me happy. Sometimes I think I have found it... but usually, that happiness is fleeting and I look back on it and think about how I wasn't really all that happy, really, I was just all up in some "This thing is new and I must love it unconditionally" thing. Then the new toy smell wears off and I'm left with .... nothing that I really wanted, I think.

This seems especially true with my relationships. Once the new toy smell goes away, I get bored and frustrated.

And 15 minutes and some duster later..... I think I need 2 boyfriends. That may or may not be aware of the other. I don't care. I want 2. Differing personalities. Both long term relationships. Both knowing that this will likely not result in white picket fences and 2.5 offsprings.  OOohhh!! One younger and one either the same age or older than me. You know, just to keep things interesting. Cripes.

Its pron time. Nite.