Black Hole Sun In My Soul (Jan 11, 2008)

Current mood:depressed

Well, so today sucked more than most days have sucked in a long time. All started out ok. I was in a fairly decent mood after sleeping for 11 hours. Something about that should have told me that I was in for trouble. I love my sleep, but a full 11 hours of it generally means there's something wrong. Well, there was and it made itself apparent about an hour after I got to work. We shall skip that though, as I don't care to discuss it.

Things went downhill from there. Some of you who have known me for a long time know that I have my little quirks. One of them is that I'm a bit manic depressive. And maybe its not even that. Maybe its still the clinical depression that I was told I had several years ago. Who knows? I've been diagnosed with both on several occasions. ANYWAY.... I do a really great job at keeping this ugly beast at bay for really lengthy periods of time. I'm a relatively happy person, I believe. I cling to blind hope and faith like no ones business. Its what keeps me afloat in this sea of shit.

Sometimes, though... sometimes it finally all builds up on me and I fall apart. Its never pleasant. Most of the time I can fall apart and then get right back up to my annoying level of happiness based on nothing in no time flat. Sometimes not.

After  a few hours at work today I went through what I can aptly refer to as a mental collapse. This found me bawling my eyes out, shaking in a corner, coupled with dashing to the bathroom to be ill as all hell. I'd eventually stop crying enough to do part of my job before starting the whole cycle over again. Let me assure you that this is a great way to spend a night at work.

I eventually started calling my co-workers to try to get someone else to come in and cover the rest of my shift, as I was in no state to do so myself. Had there been another ME on the payroll, this would be no problem. I seem to be fairly ok with covering for other people when they have shit going wrong. Unfortunately, there's only one me, and it was me who needed help. The girl that has today off, I finally got ahold of her and she refused to cover the last few hours of my shift, even after me telling her what was going on. No one would come in. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. I mean, I'm doing about half their work for them at night anyway. If they can't even do their OWN work on THEIR shifts, why in the world would they do mine??

So, in order to calm myself down, since I'm not on any medication to prevent all this shit from wiping me out, I proceeded to eat 10 Advil. You know.... it worked. I became numb enough both physically and mentally to make it through the rest of my night. I had also called my boss, I might add, and told her what was happening and that I had to get the eff out of there. She said she'd come in and cover me. I was very wary of that as I was told in laymans terms upon being hired that if she had to cover someones shift EVER, they were as good as fired. I finally didn't care, so I called. Well, she never showed up. That would be when I self-medicated.

Anyway, after the pills and me becoming a complete zombie, which I still haven't shaken off, I might add, one of my customers apparently called the police on me and told them that I was high as fuck or about to pass out or what have you. The cops showed up and started asking me stuff. Which I may and may not have answered. I remember them being there and asking things. I can't tell you what they were. I remember the cop telling me that a customer had  said I was looking rather "fragile." And he said it with the quotation marks. I don't fucking know. 

I finished my shift. Just barely. But I did it. I learned something, as well. A- If you take enough pills, everything will be ok. B- my makeup is NOT waterproof. C- Appearing to cry black tears is a lot more awesome if you aren't crying and being miserable RIGHT then. But that's enough of this.  No, I'm not going to kill myself, but God, not for lack of want. I'll still be here next month, I promise.