You Can Have It All, My Empire of Dirt (May 26, 2007)

Current mood:depressed

So, every Thursday, I go out to the Buzz now. In a way I don't want to, but sometimes thats the only way I know I'll get to see him. I know that sounds a bit stalkerish, but its not that. I didn't think it was possible to really like someone this much, but apparently it is. I know I don't come before his work, but I want to. I know I don't come before much in his life, but I want to. I want to be who he thinks about all the time. I want to be stuck in his head like he's stuck in mine. I sat at the bar most of the night tonight. Yeah, mostly to ogle him. *sigh* all I want is to be with him, and that kills me. I don't even know if that can happen anymore. I hope it can. But you know, if it can't I really would rather him tell me than keep stringing me on like this.     God, why do I love him so much? Oh, because hes a genuinely good person, despite it all. He has his flaws, and I love him anyway. With all my heart. I wonder if he knows thats what I say everytime I tell him I hate him. Sometimes I think he does. Sometimes I wonder.       I don't think I could ever hate him. And its really gay, but just sitting here thinking about how much he means to me kinda makes me a little choked up feeling. Oh, how I wish there was something I could do to sort all this out. I wish I knew wether or not I was wasting my time or not. I like to think I'm not, and I don't know that I'd change anything if I was. If there was anyone I've ever met that deserved every ounce of my time and energy, even if its all in vain, it's Rick. I wish he were here. I love you. You'll always be cupcake to me. I miss you.