Current mood:
depressed
depressedMmmmm..... This be the most recent rundown of things....
I have no car and that sucks the balls. I have been either hitching rides to work or taking the bus, which is, while undesireable, at the very least amusing. However, while this is all well and good during the daytime, nighttime (and Sunday) is another matter alltogether and I find myself in the perdicament of being very very cold and tired when I finally get home, what with the walk and all. Even this does not so much bother me, despite all the bitching about it that I do. (Silver lining: While everyone else is sitting about getting plump this winter, provided I don't actually freeze, I'll have walked off all of my plumpness {or so I hope} and will be lookin' all good for the Hellidays to come. 
) The one time it really sorta bothered me was this past week one night it was not ONLY terrible cold, but also doing some horrid torrential downpour thing. I had an umbrella, so I decide to take my chances. Well, this would have been ok, but for just a few things. The first being that my shoes have more holes in them than your average cheese grater (ok, not really, but there are several. What can I say? They're comfy...) and that the wind had decided to pick up and make the rain not fall straight downward, but in more of a horizontal fashion. This did not bode well for me. Within the first 4 blocks of my trudging steadily along, my feet were soaked. Somewhere around block 5, I gave up caring about that when I accidently fell into a small river that had formed in the middle of the sidewalk. So, I'm soggy up to mid-calf now. -walk walk walk- With the wind blowing the rain as it was, it was not long before I noticed that my thighs were much colder than they really ought to be, so I take shelter under someones awning to tie back my hair and see whats up. The rain has thoroughly soaked my pants and numbed my legs. Really. But, by God, the top of me stayed dry. Best damn umbrella ever. Even if it DID blow the wrong way out 5 times on the way. Well, by the time I get home, I don't really care much about the cold, since I can no longer feel it, I just want to go to bed. I, of course, strip down in the kitchen right when I got inside. This would be when I notice that from about the crotch down, there is not a single dry place on my person. I could have put my goldfish in my shoes. I could have filled up the tub with the water I could have (should have, too.) wrung out of my pants. Like damn. So, yeah, I stripped down and went to bed. I now think I might be sick. Hahaha. Yeah, so heres this part then. Today? Today was about as CRAP as it could be. I woke up feeling like shit, and nothing much has changed. I have had a migraine headache from about 20 minutes after I woke up to now. Most of the nausea is gone, though, and for that I am certainly thankful. I've eaten nearly a half a bottle of painkillers to no avail, so when I finally get home tonight, I'm going to take a few Tylenol pm's and go to bed. Sleep will cure anything but death and pregnancy, from what I've been taught. Well, ok, and cancer. ANYWAY. I mentioned this to Jason earlier (and yeah, I know I don't do a whole lot of "feelings" talk on here, but to prepare the few of you I actually see on a regular basis: ) I feel like hell. Not just in the I think I might be sick way, either. I have that depression feeling again. It comes and it goes, so its not like an emergency or anything like that, but it feels like its going to be a doozy... Here's how it kinda is. All year long, I go through ten hundred different cycles. One of which would be my depression cycle. And I have gotten VERY good at both staving it off as long as possible and hiding it. I can usually keep it at bay for about 4 months and then there'll be a few weeks where people will notice that I'm just not quite right. They can't so much put their finger on it, but something is amiss. And then I'm fine again. Well, every so often all this builds up enough residual repressed feelings or whatever (words. They fail me sometimes.) that I can't hold anything in anymore and then I'm a mess for a little while. I mention in my bulletin posts and whatever that I'm not a big crier.Well, I'm not. I never have been. Crying is for sissies, and while I'm a chick (by all outward appearances, anyway... lol), I'm NOT a sissy. I don't cry unless I have a damn good reason. Well, I DON'T have a damn good reason right now. I don't even have a shallow excuse for a reason. But I feel like bawling my fucking eyes out. I feel like just lying in a heap on the floor and crying until I can't even move. And that ain't how its supposed to be. I can't reason why this would be. I have no REAL reason to be this crappy and upset. I ... Just can't explain it away. 
There are times when Damnit, I just need a hug. It won't make anything any better. It won't solve my problems. It likely won't even make me smile. But it will probably make me feel a little better. Lol. So I told Jason that I need a hug. And I'll get one. He's my BPP, after all. hee hee hee...
) The one time it really sorta bothered me was this past week one night it was not ONLY terrible cold, but also doing some horrid torrential downpour thing. I had an umbrella, so I decide to take my chances. Well, this would have been ok, but for just a few things. The first being that my shoes have more holes in them than your average cheese grater (ok, not really, but there are several. What can I say? They're comfy...) and that the wind had decided to pick up and make the rain not fall straight downward, but in more of a horizontal fashion. This did not bode well for me. Within the first 4 blocks of my trudging steadily along, my feet were soaked. Somewhere around block 5, I gave up caring about that when I accidently fell into a small river that had formed in the middle of the sidewalk. So, I'm soggy up to mid-calf now. -walk walk walk- With the wind blowing the rain as it was, it was not long before I noticed that my thighs were much colder than they really ought to be, so I take shelter under someones awning to tie back my hair and see whats up. The rain has thoroughly soaked my pants and numbed my legs. Really. But, by God, the top of me stayed dry. Best damn umbrella ever. Even if it DID blow the wrong way out 5 times on the way. Well, by the time I get home, I don't really care much about the cold, since I can no longer feel it, I just want to go to bed. I, of course, strip down in the kitchen right when I got inside. This would be when I notice that from about the crotch down, there is not a single dry place on my person. I could have put my goldfish in my shoes. I could have filled up the tub with the water I could have (should have, too.) wrung out of my pants. Like damn. So, yeah, I stripped down and went to bed. I now think I might be sick. Hahaha. Yeah, so heres this part then. Today? Today was about as CRAP as it could be. I woke up feeling like shit, and nothing much has changed. I have had a migraine headache from about 20 minutes after I woke up to now. Most of the nausea is gone, though, and for that I am certainly thankful. I've eaten nearly a half a bottle of painkillers to no avail, so when I finally get home tonight, I'm going to take a few Tylenol pm's and go to bed. Sleep will cure anything but death and pregnancy, from what I've been taught. Well, ok, and cancer. ANYWAY. I mentioned this to Jason earlier (and yeah, I know I don't do a whole lot of "feelings" talk on here, but to prepare the few of you I actually see on a regular basis: ) I feel like hell. Not just in the I think I might be sick way, either. I have that depression feeling again. It comes and it goes, so its not like an emergency or anything like that, but it feels like its going to be a doozy... Here's how it kinda is. All year long, I go through ten hundred different cycles. One of which would be my depression cycle. And I have gotten VERY good at both staving it off as long as possible and hiding it. I can usually keep it at bay for about 4 months and then there'll be a few weeks where people will notice that I'm just not quite right. They can't so much put their finger on it, but something is amiss. And then I'm fine again. Well, every so often all this builds up enough residual repressed feelings or whatever (words. They fail me sometimes.) that I can't hold anything in anymore and then I'm a mess for a little while. I mention in my bulletin posts and whatever that I'm not a big crier.Well, I'm not. I never have been. Crying is for sissies, and while I'm a chick (by all outward appearances, anyway... lol), I'm NOT a sissy. I don't cry unless I have a damn good reason. Well, I DON'T have a damn good reason right now. I don't even have a shallow excuse for a reason. But I feel like bawling my fucking eyes out. I feel like just lying in a heap on the floor and crying until I can't even move. And that ain't how its supposed to be. I can't reason why this would be. I have no REAL reason to be this crappy and upset. I ... Just can't explain it away. There are times when Damnit, I just need a hug. It won't make anything any better. It won't solve my problems. It likely won't even make me smile. But it will probably make me feel a little better. Lol. So I told Jason that I need a hug. And I'll get one. He's my BPP, after all. hee hee hee... So there's my update. Make of it what you will, I've got a little space to fill.
Homeward, I go. Night ya'll.
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