Translucence (Oct 2, 2008)

Current mood:adventurous

It is morning again. I'm in an old familiar place, with an old familiar face. I feel comfort here, like nowhere else. And I sit on the dawn of a new time. In less than a weeks passing, I will embark on a journey mostly foreign to me, one in which most of the normalcy of my life is stripped away and replaced with things unknown to me. There has never been a time in my life, even in the lowest spaces of my mind, when I could not just up and go. Always, there was the option. This time, not so much. I admit that I am scared. I admit, like a child with a bad dream in the night, that I have a real fear right now. There is a big world out there and I'm fairly minuscule, and for once I'm going out into this big world, facing it and all it's hidden dangers without my safety net. I'm scared of this, but at the same time I feel a strength in myself that is waiting on me to lift the lid from its container, waiting to get out and prove that its there. I don't visit my mother much. Not because we don't get along, but more because our lives don't mesh well. She and I are on different schedules that aren't inclusive of the weekly Sunday brunch, the anytime visits to just talk and bond. My new leaf isn't going to allow for such things at all. Its one thing to not visit because there's no time or no reasonable hour for it. It's another, completely to not visit because you just can't. She and I talked a bit about this the other day. She thinks I am doing what's best for me and supports it, but you can see the sadness in her eyes when she tells me. She knows I'll be fine. I always somehow am. For the entirety of my life, I've managed to wade through one shit pool after another, some that were way beyond what I was prepared for, but always I managed to come out none the worse for wear. I'm also very excited about this. Beside the fact that I get to prove to myself that I can do this thing and not completely collapse under the pressure of something like this, I also am thrilled to death to have found someone who means enough to me that I am willing to go to these lengths. I like knowing that I have someone who I can connect with on almost every level. Right down to the same childhood traumatization. Its amazing.  I'm also trying something new here, with this one, and I'm being very open about the things I think and feel. Like, instead of hinting around at it and hoping for an accurate guess to keep me from actually coming right out and stating that not only do I have feeling, but at that moment, they're feeling a bit sore, I'm actually having discussions about them. This is how I feel, this is why. I've never done that before. So far, it seems to me that this is much easier than the other way, and people everywhere should give it a go. I guess I just wanted to take a moment out of my night to document how I feel about all this. I look back at these from time to time and reread them, relive all the feelings that were going through my head at the time of the writing. I want everyone to know that I will miss you. I know that I don't see you very often, if at all, but that I do think of you. I want you to know that I am scared of this trip, of such a dramatic change in things, but that I go in wary confidence. (I can DO that, you know.) I guess, really, that's all. I'm tired and being a bit sentimental in my own head, and I can't really think very clearly right now. 

And maybe, Lauren, just maybe, I'll hear a CD playing that I've never heard before.