I Just Thought You Should Know (April 30, 2007)

Current mood:contemplative

You are the only one who can read this. I have it set up specifically for you. So, I'm going to make this more like a letter than anything.

I have some stuff to say. Maybe not alot of stuff, but some stuff thats important to me. See, I have alot on my mind.I've waited a day to post this for you because yesterday, I was a bit ticked off and while I enjoy blogging when I'm irritated because it makes me feel better, I don't enjoy blogged directly at you when I'm irritated. It just makes me feel like I'm yelling at you.

Right now, in addition to all the other crap in my head, I feel sorta used and hurt. Because I have a tendancy to be a nut-case, I'll just go ahead and explain that. Friday morning was about the best morning I've had in months. Having you hold me and kiss me and be there (even if you did make me a bit self-conscious by giggling at me on occasion. >.<) was absolutely wonderful for me. I would assume it was at least ok for you, what with you being the instigator this time. But I don't know. You'd never tell me anyway, I'm betting.

Anyway, That was great. I was about as happy as I'm ever going to be that morning. And then, I got paranoid for a little bit, but recovered quickly enough. Sorry about that... The thing that gets me, though, is that after that, you just didn't speak to me again. Not Saturday and not Sunday. And I don't know if you have noticed this or not, but thats kind of a trend with you. You come over here and curl up with me for the night and are just as sweet as can be to me and then you don't speak to me for several days. I don't get that. I mean, I have my theories, but you never do end up telling me anything, so thats really ALL I have.

I'll get back to that.

Sunday really hurt my feeling, Rick. (Yes, I have but the one. lol) Not because of the missed 'food stamps,' either. That was kind of a bummer, but oh, well, you know? It hurt my feelings because on whatever level, be it just as friends or as whatever this round and round thing we have going on, we were going to hang out that day and you completely blew me off. Even JUST on the friend level, that sucked.

Look, I know that I have this thing I do where I get all weird or whatever and I have been doing a pretty good job of NOT doing that lately, but I get alot of really mixed up signals from you. Whatever, oh well. But I don't know what any of your thoughts are on ANY of this. I'd kinda like to. I think you have a pretty good idea of where I stand on all this, but in case you missed it, let me just go ahead and make a fool of myself, huh?

I like you. Big shock, huh? I like you quite a bit. And I think you know perfectly well what I want there. That whole 'just sex' thing didn't work for me and heres why: I could not -CAN not- seperate sex from emotion. Not with you. God knows, I tried. And when you made it perfectly obvious that you had, I realized that wherever that was leading was going to end up hurting me bad. So there's that, in case you hadn't come to that conclusion on your own. I'm thinking you probably did. You're a clever lad. But here's to laying my thoughts on the line: I miss you. Alot.

As for my thoughts and theories on you, well, since I have no real input from your side of things, I've tried to come up with my own ideas as to why things are going like they are. Sometimes I think that the reason you bother being all sweet to me on the occasions that you do is that you are either drunk or are feeling particularly alone right then. Sometimes I entertain the fancy that maybe you miss me, too, and just don't know quite how to deal with that, but who knows? I don't. Thursday, when you were just lying there looking at me and smiling, I entertained the thought that maybe I was right, that you did miss me or whatever. And then I get completely ignored for the next 2 days. *shrug* I'm a fairly "ok, deal with it" kind of person, hon, but I can't take a whole lot more of this.

Sometimes, you make it painfully clear that you want to be friends and just that. And sometimes, well, you don't. And please, don't misunderstand, I love it when you don't, but then it goes right back to being a "no, just friends" thing. I need to know whats up. God, just the thought right now of having told you all this crap that's in my head is making me feel all uneasy. I don't tell people this sort of thing.

Anyway, I've carried on quite enough now, I think. It'd sure be great to get some sort of input from you on this. And for the record, as many snide comments as you made about it the other night at the Buzz, I didn't sleep with Nate. Well, I did, but just in the curled up asleep way and not in the 'sleeping with' way. I'd also like to point out that the whole time I was curled up with him, I was holding YOUR hand. Something you didn't seem all that opposed to.

So thats it, then. Sorry this was so long, but I had alot of things to say.

I hope this... well, lol, I just hope. We'll leave it at that. Hahaha. God, I'm a dork...