Holding On To "Used To BE' (April 28, 2007)

Current mood:hopeful

So, went out to the Buzz the other night. Got pretty drunk. Keri was there, and Jessee and Rex, Drek, and Lurch. Nano showed up and Cory and Nick were there. And of course, Rick was there. He wasn't working, he was drinking. Oh, yeah. And Danielle was there too, I forgot.  Hm. Aaaaanyway, I mostly hung out with Keri and her group. Seeing Rick be all flirty with Danielle drives me bat-shit crazy. So anyway, we end up leaving, me and Jason, and Rick has by this point apparently gotten very very drunk... We are talking drunk enough that he tried to pull me into the mens bathroom. And he's in an odd mood. I'm not sure what was really going on with that, you know how he LOVES to talk about whats bothering him... So, I tell him that he is more than welcome to come with us, but that we are going to Wal-Mart first. he says ok, and we all leave. Well, I wanted to be a sweetheart because he was drunk as shit, so I climbed into the back of the car. Well, then he did too. And he was all making out with me and such. And then he just quit. Just up and quit. Mumbled something about him being just a paycheck to everyone. So, of course, I was like what the fuck?? Oh, and before that, when he was paying his tab, he'd said something kinda off, too. He'd said that I called him selfish. And I'm standing there like, What?? I mean. don't get me wrong... As often as this guy screws me over mentally, I do say some shit about him, but I'd never say shit that would really piss him off...  Oh, and also while at the bar, he was talking shit about Nate. I think he really MIGHT be a tad bit jealous, there. Anyway, we get to Wally World and he's basically stopped talking to me at this point. So I says, You coming in? And real shitty like, he says, No, you go on. I'm sure you have better things to do anyway. And I'm like You know what, fuck it. So I say Fine, whatever, and walk off. Well, I'm screeching at poor Jason all the way to the damn doors. And we get inside and I just stop. And I said, No. I can't do this. Jason, I can't just walk off and leave him out there in the car like that. And I don't know what the hell's in his head. I'll either meet you in the Electronics Dept. or back at the car. So, I go back out there and he's still sitting in the back seat and I open the door and throw my purse back in the car and sit down on the bottom of the door frame. I sat there for a minute then I said What? He looked at me blankly. Whats wrong, I said. What's on your mind? He said, Nothing. I said Well, you're sure ACTING like somethings on your mind... And he fucking blew up. He was Yelling at me and was like Well why don't YOU tell me whats on my mind then!! You're the one telling me how I'm acting, blah blah blah. I just kinda sat there. And in about 4 minutes or so, he went ahead and fell asleep. And I still don't know why I did it, but he looked so sad and alone sitting back there and as he slept, I reached out and held his hand. There's nothing I can do to make him feel better, but I guess somewhere deep down, I really DO love him and weather he cares or not, I'm there for him.

So, we get home and I help pull him from the car and he is TORE THE FUCK UP. He manages to fall into the neighbors door on the way past, and followed that up by falling face first on the floor a door down from mine. This one actually pulled me down too. We get inside, and he immediately goes straight to the automan that he always sleeps on. I was taking off my shoes or something. But because he's Rick, he was asleep in like, 5 seconds. So I go to wake him up, because Jason has the couch that night. I'm sleeping on the chair. And I try and try to wake him up. I even get him to a sitting position once. And he lays back down. So I say Fine, but you're cuddling up with Jason tonight. And he opened his poor drunk little eyes and said, Huh? And I said, Jason's got the couch tonight, babe. Have fun. And he looked at me and asked Well, where are YOU sleeping? And I said, The chair. And it took him a minute, but he said, Oh. Well, put me there, then. I giggled and did so. He passed out instantly. Poor sweet thing.

So I had the most horrid dreams that night. I don't remember them in great detail, but I remember bits of them. The main gist was this: I was in an apartment and it was mine and Rick was there and it was the morning after that night and he'd woken upp and had lain in bed with me all night and flipped right the fuck out because he really only likes me when he's drunk. And I'd tried to cuddle up to him and he was like, No. No, this has got to stop. He said, I don't like you anymore, can't you see that? And the dream just went downhill from there. I came close to waking up in tears.

But then I DID wake up. I woke up and woke Rick up becasue his alarm was going off for work. And he was having none of it. I woke him up probably 3 times, and he wouldn't get up. Oh, well. I tried. But the last time I woke him up, he decided that he was going to cuddle with me. He actually MOVED me so he could put his arm around me and pull me close. Yeah, I melted. So we slept a bit longer then woke back up again. And he was still being all mushy cuddly. I instigated NONE of this.He woke up and just leaned over and started kissing on me. And I said, you know, I'd kiss you back, but I'm sure my breath is like ass and ashtray. And he said that he didn't even care. So we did that making out thing for a good long while. And it was weird, because it was like, every so often, he'd just stop and he'd stare at me and he'd like run his hand down my cheek or pet my hair and he'd just sit there and smile... And the whole time, he was looking directly into my eyes. It was like the look that I give him when I'm feeling particulary lovey and I stare into his eyes like that and try my damndest to tell him how much I love him and all thats in my heart without saying a word. It looked like that look. And I think I cried inside. To see that look on him is all I've wanted for so long. To know that he does love me and that he misses me.

And then of course, he had to leave and go home or where ever. And I had a meltdown over a text that Jason sent him and his subsequent reply to it... I don't know. It just hurt my feelings a bit. Jason had sent him a text the previous night and said that the reson he couldn't come over was that I was trying to get over him. Well, Rick didn't get it till the next morning when he was all curled up with me, and his reply to it was "Well, THAT would have been nice to know last night." I don't know. It just seemed to me like... Like, "oh, well. There'll be others." I dunno. It sucked. So I flip out and sent him a text and then i thought better of it and told him nevermind. Wow, I suck. But at any rate, that was the best morning I think I have had in ages.

I do love him. I just wish he loved me when he wasn't drunk.