You Want My Damn feelings?? HERE THEY ARE!!!! (June 19, 2006)

Current mood:aggravated

Ok, here's the deal. Everyone is always asking me "So what's up with you and Rob?" "How are you and Rob doing?" "You and Rob getting back together?" "What are you going through right now with Rob?"

 Well, now I'm finally going to tell you. I don't want to. I never wanted to. But I'm going to do it because you people can't seem to get the hints and gists and subtleties of everything else that I've said. (No, this does not apply to ALL of the people that read my blogs.)

Ok, for starters, the big question is this: Are you and Rob going to get back together? No. No, we are not. He wants to, I don't. It takes 2 people to make a relationship and for a good long while, I've been the only one IN ours. He has pushed me away too many times. Think of it like this: Think of the planet 'Rob' and it's moon 'Brandy.' Brandy is of course in orbit around Rob. Well, Rob's ecosystem is going haywire and the gravitational pull is lessening. So as Rob spins, Brandy gets pushed farther and farther away. Well, soon enough, the scientists on Rob decide enough is enough and fix up the ecosystem and get everything back the way it should be. Only problem is that Brandy has been pushed away for so long that the orbital pull on her isn't very strong at all anymore and instead of clicking back into place in Rob's orbit, goes foreward in the direction shes been pushed, and away from Rob.

Thats how it feels. And there IS NOT anything anyone is going to say to me that is going to magically make me want him back. Not a single thing. I love Rob, and I have for a very very long time. But I don't love him in the way that I need to to be in a relationship with him anymore. No, It doesn't seem right after all the shit we've been through, but that's how it is. I'm very happy for him that he's doing all this stuff to make himself better and all, but much like the planet, sometimes its just too late.

I think there's alot of things I could have done to fix our problems, but quite frankly, by the time I left, I didn't WANT to fix our problems. I just wanted out. Now, you can think, well, all she ever does is run away from her problems, and she never deals with anything, and shes screwing up her life, you can think whatever you want to. I do not care.  But I am sick of hearing it. For all of you out there who ask me every night how I'm doing, how I'm holding up with out Rob to be there all the time: I'm fine. Better than fine, I'm great. That sounds really shitty, but it's true. Sorry.

As for what I'm feeling, all the emotions tied up in this, there are surprisingly few at this point. I've been through this all a while back. What alot of you don't know is that I have been wanting to leave for a long time. And every time I would get ready to go, I'd feel so bad because Rob meant so much to me and I to him, that I couldn't bear to go. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't just walk out on 3 years like that. But, when I did, it was final. I made my choice and I can deal with it.

I really like Rob, I think he's a good person, he's just not the person for me. I would like for me and him to continue being friends, because we did make GREAT friends, but he doesn't want that. If he can't have me as a girlfriend, then he doesn't want me in his life at all. And while I can see his point of view in that, I think that's fucking childish. It's ridiculous. I think if you truly value someone and think they are a great person, you should go about remaining friends even if your relationship fails utterly. I would much rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

He keeps giving me crap about "Oh, you should give me a second chance..."  Well, I did. And a third. And a fourth. Just because I didn't announce it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Like I said earlier, this is only the time I actually left, not the time I wanted to leave. And he says "Oh, I've changed." Great! Good for you! I really hope he did change. But that doesn't mean I want to go back. He says its unfair for me to not give him a second chance when hes trying so hard and doing all this stuff. Well, again, sometimes its just too late.

And no, I don't have to explain every little minute detail of what I'm thinking to you. No, I really don't have to tell you at all. But I am. Most of you on here are friends of mine and I think you should know, but let me make this perfectly clear: I don't HAVE to tell you a damn thing. That goes for the people I see in person too. If I want to talk about it, I will. If I don't I'll avoid the subject until forced to talk about it, then keep my answers short. Get the hint people. (This paragraph is in the wrong place. It should be at the bottom of the page, not right here.)

Anyway. Feelings. I feel regret. About alot of things. I regret having to hurt Rob like this. I regret not leaving sooner. I regret leaving at all sometimes, too. I feel sorrow, knowing what I had worked for will not be. I feel relief that I'm not there anymore. I feel relief to know that I CAN make it on my own, and that I don't need him to do everything for me. I feel relief that if I fuck something up, I am the only one I have to answer to. I don't get a speech about how I'm immature, about how I'm irresponsible, none of that. I fuck up, I clean up my own messes. That's how it needs to be. Sure sometimes I'll need help with something, but I need help from a friend not someone trying to "teach" me shit. I'm perfectly capable of learning my own lessons, thank you. Nervous. I also feel nervous frequently. Most of that has to do with Rob directly, though. Mostly, I don't know what he's going to say and/ or do (though I generally have a pretty good idea....) and being around him right now makes me a little nervous. Not, like, "Oh, he's going to lose his mind and shoot me" or anything like that, but more of "i don't want to talk about our break-up shit right now, or anytime soon, really, but oh, there he goes, dragging it up again and again and again."

But as far as "Am I all torn up because we split up?" or "Am I a complete wreck for it all?" NO. Rob kinda is right now, because he's not had near the time to think things through that I've had. But I am fine. I do believe that he loves me, as he says he does, but I don't think it should have taken me walking out to get him to realize it.Thats neither here nor there.

I've heard time and again, "You're screwing up your life right now," and "You don't know what youre doing." I know EXACTLY what I'm doing, and if it seems to you that I'm screwing up, then so be it. Don't make the same choices in YOUR life. But this Is my life and I DON'T think I'm screwing it up.  So there.

I'm truly sorry to sound like such a cold-hearted bitch. I really am. I don't want to be that way. Nor do I want it to sound that way, but it does and that's something I have to deal with too.

Love, Brandy